At the Precipice

I have a very vivid memory of my Uncle Pete taking me to Smith Rock when I was a kid.  We hiked up the back side via trails, then across the flat top.  I had been scared to jump a small crevasse which split the rock as we made our way to the face, but that fear was nothing compared to what I felt as we reached the precipice, and I was near petrified as my uncle had me sit with my legs out over the edge.  I managed to suppress the fear in order to take in the majesty of the view, but I think it is the fear that I had to overcome that etched the memory so vividly in my young mind.

I have been at that ledge today in more ways than one.  I have been at the edge of tears, both on this side of the ledge, and just on the other.  I silently wept through part of my afternoon class today.  I didn't even realize I was so close to tears until the instructor took a moment between postures to recognize my continued achievement and how it has inspired other students of hers to attempt doubles.

I didn't feel inspiring just then.  I felt fatigued.  This afternoon's class was the first class since very early on that I had to sit out any sets of postures, and I was just trying to hold on to the fact that I was even there, still giving what little I had.

The other ledge, the one I am more fearful of, is my waxing depression.

The emotional roller coaster that these last couple of weeks have been have left me without many defenses.  Right now I am this close to going out and getting myself a chocolate bar, and I know exactly which one (a Ghirardelli Sea Salt Soiree).  When I say "this close" you might imagine me holding my thumb and forefinger so that they are barely apart, only a sliver of light between them to indicate that I'm not actually going to drive to the store and get one.  Instead, you should imagine me with keys in hand, jacket on, and sliding on my shoes as I try and remember the reasons I shouldn't go get another chocolate bar.  I say another because I have had three in the last few days, and not because I was hungry.

I am not going to go get chocolate tonight.

I am going to finish this blog post, and then go to sleep.

I slept most of the day today again.  Some strange alchemy of physical exhaustion and the gradual onset of depression has me sleeping a good portion of the day without effecting my sleep at night.  Sleeping this much is some bizarre middle path where I believe it is physically necessary for recovery doing doubles every day, and at the same time perhaps not so awesome for my emotional well being.

Still the vivid dreams, which, as I mentioned before, are completely out of the ordinary for me.  Today's dreams bordered on nightmares.

I guess today is all about being at the precipice.

The fear I feel is tempered by experience in a way that my younger self couldn't have understood.  I know that this precipice is a place to reflect, to focus on the majesty and not the fall.

Namaste.